THE EVIOLATION OF LIFE – A PUBLICATION OF THE DEPT OF INDOCTRINATION AND EDUCATION (published every twenty million years)
CHIMP N. ZEE, PHD!
Written by our Human Evolution correspondent, I. M. Credulous
In a spirit of tolerance, inclusion and intellectual consistency, and as a glowing example of evolution over time, the Department of Indoctrination and Education (DIE) has begun providing government funds for chimpanzees to attend world – class universities alongside their human cousins. Chimps are being encouraged to apply for classes such as anthropology and zoology. All qualification requirements have been waved (though not for humans).
Non-chimp students will find that certain aspects of university life have been changed in order to make chimps feel that they are being treated equally. In future, lunch menus for all students will consist entirely of fruit and tree bark. Chairs will be replaced by tree branches. Toilets are to be closed permanently, providing chimp students all the convenience of as-needed relief. Lectures will be given in sign language instead of that relic of Christian civilization: spoken English. Notes will be made on walls rather than paper, allowing for the improved conservation of our forests. Human students will be expected to stoop and drag their knuckles when in the company of their noble cousins.
A Department of Indoctrination and Education spokesman, when asked recently by a cynical reporter whether the government might be perhaps going a little too far in the cause of political correctness, replied by showing his clenched teeth and jumping up and down.
ROCKIN’ ROOSTER! Written by B. Leavitt-Ernott
In the course of my business the other morning I was outside a stranger’s country home when a normally familiar country sound sent shivers down my back. A rooster, inside its wire cage, was crowing the first five notes of “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”. There were no other notes, just those five. Having called the tune once, it waited for perhaps a minute, then lustily repeated the partial melody.
I was shocked to the core. The implications of this discovery made my head spin. Had I stumbled across the first singing chicken? Was humanity just about to witness a quantum leap in bird evolution? Was the chicken, having once been a three-hundred foot rampaging dinosaur, preparing to be in the driving seat of hi-brow culture, and planning to out-perform Pavarotti? What should I call him, Cluck Eastwood?
Beginning to imagine my picture and my name on CNN international news, with Cluck in the background, I decided to catch this wonder of the natural world on video. I pointed my phone at the proud creature, but nothing happened – its beak was tightly shut. It just stood there, cocked its head, and stared at me. Observing the camera, Cluck refused to perform – or was he just so modest that he was unable? After what seemed like an age of frustration, I reluctantly gave up on the attempt at making poultry history, and returned to my business.
The cock resumed his rehearsal!
I frantically fumbled for my phone, dropped it, picked it up, dropped it again, picked it up, pressed the record button, and to my joy and excitement, the rooster delivered!
Terms of contract and video rights flew around my brain. Should I steal the rooster and pretend it was mine, or should I just offer the owner a straight fifty percent of the fees and royalties? Would Clint sue Cluck for using his name? Should I contact Richard Dawkins before calling CNN? No – he would get all the credit and the royalties. His picture would be on CNN, not mine. No, this had to be my discovery!
The cock stopped its serenade. Perhaps it was developing a sore throat? No matter, because I had immortalized its talent, or so I thought. I pressed the save button, but nothing happened. I pressed “save” again… and again, and again… I thwacked the phone on a fence post. The picture disappeared: the video was not saved. My phone had betrayed me, but not just me – it had betrayed all humanity, and all chicken kind. That fickle rooster, no longer willing to perform for my benefit, wandered inside its little home, never to reappear.
Still, it’s clear that bird evolution is on the move. An expedition to capture the rooster on film is under way, and will likely be documented extensively in the next episode of “Eviolation“.
NEW INSECT DISCOVERED by Poppy Cock
A new insect, closely related to the fly, has been discovered in central Africa. It has six legs, wings, and multi-lensed eyes. It hasn’t yet achieved the aerial mastery enjoyed by its cousin, the fly, in fact it can barely fly at all. Scientists have nick-named the insect “the Crash”.
APPENDISAURUS: IT’S ON THE LOOSE AGAIN! By I. B. Stupid
The Appendisaurus, once thought to be extinct, has been observed in a remote part of northern Mongolia. Experts say that the reclusive but dangerous Appendisaurus must have evolved from an ape-like creature when a fortuitous mutation caused it to lose nineteen and a half chromosomes. The organ no longer needed the body, and the body withered away. Experts say this happened roughly one million, four hundred and nineteen thousand, two hundred and seven years, one month and fourteen days ago.
AND FINALLY…from our “Theories” correspondents, C. Lee, R.O. Gantt, and U. R. Duped
…a report on a phenomenon which provides stunning support for a struggling theory…
The concept that in ages past great leaps of evolution occurred virtually overnight, thus doing away with any need for silly old fossil evidence, has received widespread recognition since the discovery that blog posts have begun writing themselves. In fact, this is such a post! How do you do – my name is Blog Post!
You can read a primitive issue of “Eviolation” here:
Copyright Nick Fisher April 30th 2013
General Editor, Blog Post