Good news, dear people! Now that we’ve finally rid our world of those awful and arbitrary gender designations (see note 1 below) we will be moving ahead with further ground-breaking changes…

11026517-spaghetti-pasta

Dear citizens, Our Wonderful Person has announced a new alteration to our language, formerly known in Dark Days, days of colonialism, bigotry and Trumpism, as “English”.

Our Wonderful Person wants us to remove a certain rancorous and disgusting three-letter word from permitted vocabulary due to highly offensive specificity and exclusivity. An ugly, sadistic sequence of letters, an offense around us, begins with a “t”, quickly progresses without shame to an “h”, and then abruptly ends itself with an “e”, offering no apology whatsoever. Oh, expression is almost TOO HORRIBLE TO CONTEMPLATE! Expression makes OUR WONDERFUL PERSON FEEL SICK! Expression makes me WANT TO DIE! AAAAAGH! OH NO…! I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!! GET RID OF EXPRESSION…NOW!!!!!!

I apologize for emotion, dear people. I will duly punish myself.

Our Wonderful Person also wishes me to announce further forthcoming revisions for which we must all prepare or face consequences. Since a certain expression discussed above transgresses our new and glorious Book of Permitted Vocabulary, so others with similarity will soon be extricated from daily use. Here they are, though I am SICK AND DISGUSTED TO USE THEM OR EVEN MENTION THEM…

“It”…”in”…”on”…”under”…”at”.

UGH! OH NO!! THEY ARE JUST TOO HATEFUL AND DISGUSTING!! GET RID OF THEM!!! NOW!!!!

Ahem…

There is one more expression, or perhaps more…or less (depending how many you believe there are) to be dealt with around a very near future, according to Our Wonderful Person. An expression known as (gulp) “word”. Yes, good people, I’ve used a expression twice-give or take a few times-through my report, and for them I sincerely apologize. BUT BELIEVE ME: A PROFOUND NECESSITY OVERTOOK ME!

An above “w” expression (you know, “w…o…r…d”) must soon be removed from our books (and even our lips and our minds, dear people) since such an expression discriminates greatly against non-w…o…r…d expressions.

Around a place we will use far more inclusive and less stereotypical expressions, such as “ugh”; “hmm”, or “grr”. Our Glorious Book of Permitted Vocabulary will now be filled with happy, positive, loving and inclusive “ughs”: a far more earth-friendly, citizen-friendly prospect.

NOTE 1

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4043394/First-ze-Mr-Mrs-BANNED-Oxford-University-tells-colleges-remove-gender-specific-titles.html

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/09/05/colleges-trend-toward-gender-neutral-pronouns/71780214/