THE IBLE Part 1: GELIGNITE Chapter 1 to THE SPASMS
1 In the beginning there was a very tiny thing, floating in the middle of nothing. 2 Then suddenly-POOF! – something pretty dramatic started to happen! This event came to be known as “The Big Bang”, from which is derived the name of this most holy book. 3 And well, here we all are billions of years later. If you really want the details, ask Mr. Dawkins, because well, we in the Church are certain he knows all things. Only quacks and extremists have different ideas, and you don’t want to be one of those now, do you?
4 Anyway, one day God came along from another galaxy in his space ship, and started to be really nice to everybody. 5 But a big, mean alien from somewhere else in the universe started to pick a fight with God. 6 The battle that followed was so huge that parts of the world, particularly Wobble-Minster-On-Sea and Tierra Del-Fuego, got messed up, rather like the aftermath of a soccer match in which both teams lose by ten goals after extra time. 7 God was so upset that he decided to trash the whole world and wait for things to evolve again.
8 One-point-three-billion years later-give or take a few weeks-there was a very tiny thing floating in the middle of the…(hmm, that sounds familiar) sea. 9 After another three billion years (and we know this because we have BBC videos of the events), two ape-like creatures evolved which were a little more intelligent than the rest, and they shaved off their fur and opened up a shop in which they sold razors, bananas and other fruit, making a pretty good profit. 10 God, being unbelievably bored after four-point-three billion years, decided to talk to them, and according to legend, he called one of them “Adrian”, and the other he called “Everard”. 11 And the evening and the morning represented, ooh, millions of years probably-but nobody knows for sure, and who cares anyway?
1 Around a million years later (or was it two, or perhaps it was a hundred thousand …) there were humans on the earth. 2 There were also lots of religions, and God was so confused that he didn’t know which one to join. 3 He knew one thing for sure though: he was pretty upset about some detestable writings emanating from one religion which made him look like he was too big for his boots and wanted to tell humans what to do. 4 I wouldn’t read any of those if I were you-they’re all just pure imagination, and they’ll only turn you into an extremist. But meditate ye freely upon his amended list of “dos and don’ts”:
1: No kissing. It only spreads germs;
2: Don’t go around telling other people about me-it only causes trouble;
3: Give the Church lots of money;
4: Be nice to people if they look cool;
5: There’s no rule 5;
6: Pay attention to what that nice Mr. Dawkins says;
7: See rule 5.
5 However, one or two wonderful fairy stories survive from this period: “Moses and Bathsheba”, “Joseph and His Technicolor Dream-coat”, “St. George and the Dragon”. 6 Unfortunately some fanatics even today continue to insist that these stories were real events-as if any religion could be based on fact! You won’t catch the Church believing that nonsense!
1 But God was particularly fond of some songs written near Iceland or Mesopotamia. These songs gave him spasms of pleasure, 2 So he decided to call them “Spasms”. 3 The Spasms are mostly just the rantings of one or two dreamers, you know-farm boys-no university degrees or anything, so I wouldn’t take much notice of those either. 4 Just keep sending in those donations, because if you don’t, we’ll have to go out and get a job!
THE IBLE, Copyright © December 2014by Nick Fisher