Nauseating Public Radio is anxious to convince you that it is unbiased, fair and balanced in its stance on political and social issues. In order to do this, we will continually inform you that all those mistaken and foolish right-wingers and extremists are threatening to destroy our nation and cause a world war, while the liberals of our land are the level-headed ones who deserve our respect and admiration.

As election times approach, we will highlight all the terrible, regressive policies and aims of our opponents, and shine a warm light on the Democratic movement. We will endeavor to acquire more of your money, so that we are able to increase our campaigning efforts for our next presidential candidate.

Naturally, Our Glorious Leader is beyond reproach, and we will perpetually relay that fact to you. We will either keep totally silent about his mistakes and devious practices and policies – of which there are none, of course – or we will pretend to analyze his actions while really painting him in the best light possible, showing that his critics are just sour old losers who got us all into this mess in the first place. We are masters at setting up a “debate” which is cleverly designed to convey the truth as we want you to see it.

We want to keep you thinking that socialist billionaires (no that is NOT an oxymoron) are totally unbiased and generous people, and that capitalist billionaires are greedy, selfish money grabbers.

In the realm of world affairs, our agenda is to defend and promote the correct view, which is, of course, that those nasty Israelis have caused all of our problems by insisting that they have the right to defend themselves against threats of annihilation.

Our view of religion is the correct one, when we actually have the stomach to mention religion at all. We will portray that old one, beginning with ‘C’, either as a doting old grandfather, or as a dangerous threat to society and freedom, and the other one as being completely friendly and peace-loving, as Our Glorious Leader has also made clear. We will continue to focus on the freedom and equality their women enjoy, compared to the terrible oppression our women were under during that ‘C’ religion’s reign.

We share Our Glorious Leader’s social agenda, and it will be vigorously advanced, particularly in the area of “choice” and our right to take life whenever we want to, as will our resolve to see the free and open expression of all sexual persuasions, not just that boring old restrictive one which extremists try to claim brought maximum social stability and health – ha!

Our science programming will passionately advance the proven facts of evolution, and radio is the ideal medium for doing this, because we don’t have any need to even attempt to show you any hard evidence. All we have to do is highlight the credentials of our guests, convince you that they know it all, like gods, and you will be easily and completely convinced! You will not even want to consider thinking any other way, because we are the informed intellectuals, the glorious elite, and you will not want to appear to be ignorant or to commit intellectual suicide. We have you in our power!

In order to dress and flavor our agenda and mission in a fuzzy, friendly cloak, and to get that pill of political and social correctness down your throat without you noticing, we will continue our successful comedy and musical programming.

This is Nauseating Public Radio…

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