And the priest of our Lord Darwin did begin to speak plainly, and neither spake he any longer out of one side of his mouth as doeth the priests of hypocrisy:
“Be ye selfish, and no longer shalt thou be considerate or think of others. Forget ye not that the fittest amongst ye shall survive? If thou wantest to think of others, go out and kill thyself, so that others mayst populate thine habitat.
“Do unto others before they have a chance to do it unto you. Seek ye first thine own kingdom, and to hell – er – to death with everyone else.
“Eat thy neighbor, and eat thine grand-mother also, for in so doing, thou shalt be eliminating the weaker among thee. Verily I say unto thee, that some amongst thee are poor, and blind, and weak, and spotty, and knock-kneed, and big nosed, and ignorant, because thou hast not been blessed by nature with an full deck of cards. Therefore, I counsel thee to drop dead, or feed thyself to the lions: then shalt thou do thine part to balance nature, and to eliminate the weaker species among thee.
“Verily I say unto thee, love one another, but forget ye not to use contraceptives.
“Thirteen point seven billion years shalt thou labor, and neither shalt thou stop, for in approximately thirteen point seven billion years did nothing create the heavens and the earth, and continueth it e’en now unabated, as thou canst plainly discern from the rantings of mine fellow priests and prophets.
“Bless, and again I say bless ye the priest and the prophet of Darwin, and curse ye not. Neither shalt thou ask him any difficult or probing questions, forasmuch as it is he that knoweth it all, and thou knoweth nothing. He is that Most Highly Evolved one, and thou art low-life.
“There was an certain rich man, who was dressed in purple and fine linen, and lived in luxury every day, and there was also an poor man who lived at the rich man’s gate. In the fullness of time, they both died.
“The weak shepherd laith down his life for his sheep…the good priest of Darwin in his wisdom taketh away even all hope that they might have had in an afterlife, and out of the abundance of his evolvedness, he offereth meaninglessness and death in its place, oh thou blessed of Darwin. Already we are working hard to indoctrinate – er – educate thine children. Repent! Repent ye, all ye ignorant, stupid, bigoted half-wits, and abandon all hope in the hereafter! Know ye not that ye and all things came from nothing? And then came ye forth from an rock, and then from soup, and then from an slimy, creeping- crawling thing, and then from an monkey’s uncle? What? And dost thou want evidence – an sign? Thou hast seen all the evidence thou needest: the dog evolves into an dog, and the cat evolves into an cat. Of course thou knowest, for we have told thee, that an cow hath turned into an whale, and an dinosaur hath turned into an bird, just as an frog hath turned into an prince.
“An ignorant, bigoted generation seeketh after a sign, but none shall be given it! But trust ye in the word of the priest and of the prophet. Take ye no notice of the fact that thou hast seen no evidence with thine own eyes, but place thy complete trust in thine priest, forasmuch as we know it all, including what is best for you. For without faith it is impossible to please us, or the government or the education authority, and neither shalt thou pass an examination, or get an decent job, particularly as an scientist!
“Ye, hath God really said that he hath made heavens and earth? Of course not, thou ignoramus! Man shall not live on the word of God at all, but on every pronouncement from us!”
All, including picture, copyright by Nick Fisher March 2013